Wednesday, August 20, 2014

THE NIGERIAN GOOD WOMAN – By Chalya Princess Miri-Gazhi

“Good women these days are hard to find.”

I should have punched him on the face. Suffice it to say my look did the punching and I hissed inwardly as I muttered to myself if the question shouldn’t have been the other way round.

I don’t think you understand the pressure of being a good woman in Nigeria today. If you did, then you will understand we were born to Nigerian parents whose generation believed that domesticity is synonymous with the word woman and perhaps with some level of education and church-upbringing, you’re on your way to becoming a good woman all things being equal. It goes therefore, that if you wanted to be easily identified as a Nigerian good woman worthy enough to be selected for ‘settle-down-with’ material, you must be willing to subject yourself to meeting their criteria or definition of the Nigerian good woman. Notice I said ‘their.’ This is because in Nigeria, you must be vetted by the parents, prospective spouse, prospective in-laws and of course, the ubiquitous pastor before you are eligible for the good woman brand of acceptance and only after you have successfully passed the wise evaluations of these enfranchised people are you able to be deemed ‘the Nigerian good woman.’ That said who then is a good Nigerian woman?

Shall we start from the beginning?

Home-Training: it is rightly expected by your parents that you fulfil all the requirement of a well brought up Nigerian woman. You’ve got to understand the traditional roles of a woman according to the tribe you were born into: daughter, sister, servant, caretaker, care-giver, mother, tire-less worker, you name it. You should be able to play these roles promptly and interchangeably when the situation calls for it.

You’ve got to be well grounded in all domestic chores ranging from cooking to washing to general housekeeping skills.
You’ve got to have certain socially valued ideals like, speaking only when spoken to, no arguments or confronting elders, your elders are usually always right, you move, dress, speak, and appear a certain way.

And my favourite, you’ve got to be a constant church-goer and an obedient member of all church doctrines as per your denomination and to up the ante, you must be an active member in church for upholding public appearances.

And so while you’re being sharply groomed on fundamental African womanly behaviours, enter your prospective spouse who also has been well groomed by his own mother and has his own list of ideas of what his mother told him a good woman should be:

She should be from a good home (I don’t know whether having separated or divorced parents is considered a good home yet.)
She should have a sound education (don’t know what ‘their’ sound means. Is it secondary to Phd, well, you figure it out)
She should be member to a certain sane church-denomination (preferably the traditional church that everyone is familiar with)
She should speak softly (don’t know at what decibel rate a voice pitch crosses over to loud)
She should be respectful……………………………….Ok. Respect is a huge deal here. And not just huge, it is gargantuan. With respect, you’d better be really careful here. You will have to struggle with questions like: should you always allow him the right to win an argument 60 to 70% of the time? Should you agree with most of his ideologies at the expense of yours? Should you genuflect when you meet your in-laws for the first time or always? Did she actually say hi or hello or did she say the full good morning/afternoon/evening when you introduced her to your personal people?

Then of course, the dressing often comes into play: how does she dress? If you’re lucky, trousers or certain kind of dresses will not disqualify you but if not, you’d better stick to wearing wrappers and very long skirts and dresses. Did I hear you ask ‘how will I know if he likes my dressing without asking?’ Easy. The moment he opens his mouth to say ‘Jenny, you look fine in this but you look finer in wrappers’ know that your dressing is no longer social but the stakes are now political. It will eventually become a deal breaker if not addressed. O ye ladies that like sexy dressing, you’re on your own, I advice you leave that for girlfriend material.

I will not get started on facial make-up or your hair-do because by now you should know that there are certain make-up and  hair-dos that good women do not wear and there are certain attachments that good women do not buy. You must have the look of a good ‘wifely’ woman. Like these my sisters like Mo & Mrs Ighodalo here:
Let’s not forget the very sensitive matter of the number of Ex-es you had before you found ‘the-One.’ (Coughs, clears throat, erm…you know what I mean)

By the way, if you succeed in scaling through all these loopholes into your matrimonial home, be prepared to comply with a whole lot of rules on your mother in law’s checklist of good-daughters-in-law.

However and this is a humungous BUT, if you’ve past the age of 30, God forbid 40, and you are still single, everyone is allowed to call you bad until proven married.

Did I leave any out? I know I did. Please feel free to correct me. Add your voice ojare, I am all ears.

I hope you enjoyed this piece. I look forward to catching up with you via my handle: @signetseal and yes, would love to read your comments too. Do have a great week. Blogging at: www.thesealuponmyheart.blogspot.com 

7 comments:

  1. "speaking only when spoken to"

    I always fail this one especially when you talk to me about what I feel passionate about.
    I am not interested in being the student when I hear you saying something that doesn't make sense.

    No one knows everything
    In our african tradition, it is I know more than you even if your life depends on what I am saying
    That B.S just drives me crazy

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  2. "The Nigerian Good Woman".. What a piece! Made me ROTFLOL... and then comes "However and this is a humungous BUT, if you’ve past the age of 30, God forbid 40, and you are still single, everyone is allowed to call you bad until proven married"..Chai!

    Thank goodness it is "Nigerian Good Women" and not "The Good Women"..
    Nice write up. Thumbs up.

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  3. @Tessa & Seun, thanks for dropping by. I feel you Tessa at the passionate topics. Gosh I too try to keep quiet but I just bubble over. Seun, yesso, glad that there is room for the good women as defined by other standards. :-)

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  4. Thanks dear Sis, this was presented with so much humour, I laughed all through.

    Nice piece, nothing wrong with some of these rules and it's not like ladies shouldn't be well mannered and all but it is a journey and pressure is so much for ladies to come 'ready'. She is not permitted her learning curves or to make mistakes, the Nigerian Good Woman is not allowed to have expectations of men and marriage, she must endure as long as she has found a man whose last name she bears. I don't like injustice and I think the rule book is just that. Thank God for grace to redefine one's self apart from these rules and live life wholly and fully. It's a most liberating place abeg. Be the best you can be but not because society expects it to define you, be all these because it naturally flows from your good naturedness. .

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  5. Like manner, mothers shld prepare their sons to be good men. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. Enjoyed this article. From Kurcit Achemu

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  6. Buddymine Eloho, talk of the book of rules - never a book so judgmental like the society book of rules. Thank God for grace, thank God for good women, thank God for the few good men! :-)

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  7. Ha ha ha princess
    No say.
    Thumbs up.

    ReplyDelete

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