Heavy words. Unfortunate words. Scary words but true words – at least at the time it was spoken.
What do you say to someone who tells you this? How do you respond to the emptiness and frustration that such a statement carries? How? Something told me not to say anything. Just listen Chalya, listen. I did. I kept quiet and I listened. This was no time for preaching. She continued: “look at me. I am what…45…no child, no husband, not even a great job – responsibilities everywhere.” She sighed. “I am tired of going to church. I am tired of attending all these ceaseless church activities that does nothing for my life. This God doesn’t love me ojare. Wetin? Na only me waka come? I say I no dey do again. Look at all my friends. The crazy and baddest ones are happily married. After all the crazy stuff I know they did, they still ended up with great husbands, great kids and great jobs!” She drank some more from the tea I had served and like someone who was thinking upon the ludicrous, she laughed impatiently and added with incredulous disbelieve, “And the funny thing is that, after like 2 to 3 kids, fine husband, fine job and fine house sef, they have also found Jesus! They are now officially born again and now they want to to come and be preaching to me – me far. Chai, I don suffer.” She exclaims in frustration.
I am still silent. Only this time, I am no longer looking at her. I am simply staring at the rug in my bedroom and my mind is wondering far and asking where it all went wrong? I am as bewildered as she is confused. I am as speechless as she is pissed. What am I suppose to say to such a great woman of God? How am I supposed to reply to a woman who knows God better than I do? What, how, which? I continued to listen as she vented. “Is God not seeing all the correct married guys coming for me here and there? All these rich and wealthy men disturbing my peace, ready to give me what I want cept marriage if I can also give them what they want. Some even want me as second wife sef, I said no! look at me Chalya.” I didn’t look. She stood up and repeated for emphasis. “Chalya, take a good look at me.” I raised my somewhat disconcerted eyes from the ground back to her. “I’m I not still beautiful. Have I not taken good care of myself? I’m I not educated, sanctified and walking the walk. Look at me. I have tried and I have tasted and I am yet to see that the Lord is good. What is wrong with me that God decided that when it comes to my own matter, my answers will never be given? Me, I have said my own, I am tired with wanting to please a God who doesn’t want to please me in return. I don’t love Him anymore girl, I just don’t. As from today, it is official, I don backslide. Wetin wan happen make e happen. She clapped her hands excitedly while I looked on. This lady of the spirit and the Holy Ghost, this lady who sings and preaches, this beautiful specimen of a child of God that I‘d always admired and still do. She shook her weave of hair from side to side as she pranced up and down the room venting out more profound analysis of her dire situation. “No be only me waka come this earth biko. This life of chastity and purity has given me zilch. Sex I haven’t had in years. I can’t even remember what it feels like to be wrapped up in the arms of a strong man. Na wetin!” Hands on akimbo, legs tapping, she threw back her head and laughed scornfully. “Remember Wemimo now. That little girl of yesterday that calls me aunty, well Wemimo got married barely three weeks ago. What of Ifeyinwa that did worse than Domitilla sef is now Pastor’s wife. Modupe something, that one we cally Dupsy, that very fat one, nosy and can be tiresome to be around, she is living da vida loca.” I almost laughed but for the seriousness of the moment, I smiled. Regina could be hilarious and realistic in speaking. “I no dey do again”
My dear friend Regina (not real name) slapped her thigh. “Cloth sef person no dey wear again because say I love Jesus pass Mother Mary. See my clothes Chalya. You sef know say when I was in the world, I correct no be small. My dressing was the bomb! Now see as following God and loving Him pass Apostle Paul has reduced me to a church rat. Me, wey don follow Jesus enter everywhere enterable. No, enough is enough is enough. I will not wait until I am fifty when it’s too too late. Now as it is sef, e don late for me. See other sisters taking matters into their own hands and succeeding. Me I dey here dey form Holy regina. This sister, has had it up to here” She held her neck. “If God will be God, let Him be God, no problem. Me, too will repent after I have sorted myself out. I will no longer be the suffering model for longsuffering.”
Venting is good, very good, Venting is spontaneous. It is deep cleansing from deep frustrations. It allows you the freedom to blurt out stuff you wouldn’t usually have said when calm and normal. It helps you speak out the deep thoughts that only you thought and worse, it helps you to say things you never knew you were capable of thinking how much more saying. It is good to vent just make sure when you do, it is to your trusted friend. That way, what is said is not misunderstood. And vent Regina did. I learned a lot in one morning but especially that all super homosapiens are still humans at the end. We all want the same things but in different ways and at different times.
But back to the issue of not loving God, was I going to speak for God? Was I going to tell God about Regina’s situation when He already knew about it? Was I going to answer for a loving God that didn’t seem loving anymore to my friend? What exactly was I going to say for God that she didn’t already know much more better than I? What words could I possibly say on God’s behalf that would make a daughter of God believe any differently? Was I even suppose to speak for God in the first place?
Well, one thing was quite clear to me. I wasn’t going to speak for God in this instance. No. God is well able to speak for Himself. God is well able to tell this very special, beautiful and utterly disconsolate daughter of His that He still loves her. Wouldn’t it be foolish of me to say your daddy or your boyfriend loves you, when he never tells you himself? Wouldn’t the very words “I Love You” be useless coming from the wrong mouth? How would you feel if someone kept telling you that your guy or chick loves you but they never ever tell you themselves? O yes it would be unbelievable. The words: “I Love You” is better heard from the mouth of the lover of you. Nothing less. I wasn’t going to tell her the usual auto-flex responses we Christians sometimes hurry to say to a disheartened and angry soul. No. I wasn’t going to go into a fully activated hyperbolic preaching of God’s pouring-down-from-heaven kind of love nor did I quote those wonderful scripture passages that said “I know the thoughts I have towards you…to give you a future and an expected end…” etc. She knew them by heart already. No I will not tell her that God loves her. She’s heard that all her life. It was time for Baba God Himself to demonstrate His love for her. I believe God is more than capable of telling His own daughter that He loves her. No I will not speak for God in this instance. But I would intercede for her. I would ask God to pour out His divine love on her. “I can do nothing Lord” I cried within me. “You on the other hand can do everything. She is your daughter, not mine. She is your handiwork not mine. Let your love which surpasses all understanding begin to speak to her. The time of theory is so over Lord. Please act your Love towards her. But I will not speak for you Lord. I can only appeal that you show her your mercy and pour out your grace and favour over her. You alone can do the telling and the loving. You alone can demonstrate the POWER OF YOUR LOVE to her.
I feel you sister Regina. I do. I think every faithful follower of God gets to this point when you aren’t feeling God’s love; when the taste of the rituals of religion goes all sour in your mouth and your situation is a very far cry and a poor reflection of the extravagant love of the God of the bible and this God, this God that you often hear about from the testimonies of other testifiers seems silent about your case. I understand that at such times the atmosphere around us is redolent with doubt and fear and uncertainties about our future. There is no simple answers to your questions of WHYs and WHENs. What do you do when everything you are is not enough? What do you do when everything you’ve got and done is not working out like you hoped? I wish I knew. I wished I had one of those Brother Daniel and Joseph wise answers with a formula to boot. This I do know though. I retreat. I stop all my busy-ness and I step away from the many energy draining activities that have the form of godliness but lacks the power thereof. I pause and I go one on one with God, away from all the expectations of people. Expectations can be very burdensome you know. But I never go on like we sometimes like to do in Christendom saying it is well when it is not all well. There is an “it is well of faith” and there is an “it is well” of hypocrisy. And until I find my peace, it isn’t well. God will usually sort me out when I am in a place of absolute abandonment. He will. He does. He has. Peace.
Chalya Princess Miri-Gazhi
@signetseal
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